Spieth vs. McIlroy: Dogfight in the Dogwoods, hole-by-hole

AUGUSTA, Ga.—Ladies and gentlemen, the preliminaries are done, and it’s time for the Main Event at the Masters: THE DOGFIGHT IN THE DOGWOODS! This will be an 18-hole contest, no holds barred and no cell phones allowed. Let’s meet our contenders:

• Your challenger, one stroke back at three-under-par, standing five-foot-nine and weighing in at a full 11.6 stone, the Firebrand from Northern Ireland, The Big Mac Attack, ROOOOOOORY MCILROY!

• And in this corner, the defending champion, the Texas Tornado, the Longhorn of the Lag Putt, The Gladiator of the Green Jacket, JOOOORDAN SPIEEEEETH!

We’ll be here all round, giving you a hole-by-hole breakdown of the Greatest Showdown In Golf History (note: may not be entirely true) on Saturday afternoon at the Masters. Playing together in majors, McIlroy has averaged a 70.33, while Spieth has gone half a stroke higher at 70.

The duo teed off at 2:50 p.m. ET. And here’s what happened next:

HOLE 1 (Tea Olive, 445 yards, par 4): The wind is whipping hard enough to snap the flags atop the scoreboard adjacent to the first fairway. Spieth rolls out of the gate with a respectable 263-yard drive. McIlroy steps up and blows nearly 40 yards past him without slowing down. After approach, both find themselves 41 feet from the pin. Two putts apiece later, and we go to the second with no change. WINNER: PUSH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -3)

(Note: Both players are clad completely in gray, black and white today, with the lone exception of McIlroy’s bright blue cap and shoelaces. This one has the feel of an old newsreel and it’s barely even started.)

HOLE 2 (Pink Dogwood, 575 yards, par 5): TROUBLE on Hole 2! McIlroy finds sand off the tee. Spieth, meanwhile, keeps his tee shot on the fringe, and puts his approach right on the green, a devastating shot across McIlroy’s bow. McIlroy wobbles, rolling a 12-foot birdie attempt just past the cup, and Spieth moves in with a sledgehammer birdie that extends his lead to 2. WINNER: SPIETH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -3)

HOLE 3 (Flowering Peach, 350 yards, par 4): Jordan Spieth is just so considerate. He knows how many fans came out to see him, so he tries to hit as many as he can with a fore-right drive off the tee at 3 that plunges far into the ten-deep gallery. McIlroy continues his love affair with the sand, finding the fairway bunker. Once they reach the green, the heartaches begin: McIlroy can’t hole a long par putt, while Spieth backs off his putt twice before draining the par. Spieth goes up three strokes on McIlroy. WINNER: SPIETH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -2)

HOLE 4 (Flowering Crab Apple, 241 yards, par 3): Spieth and McIlroy both express their displeasure with the left grandstand by firing their tee shots into the gallery there. Both shots bounce out and land within a dozen feet of one another. Both men drained their putts, Spieth from 8 feet, McIlroy from 5, and everyone walks off Crab Apple relieved it wasn’t worse. WINNER: PUSH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -2)

HOLE 5 (Magnolia, 455 yards, par 4): Just try to imagine putting the length of a 747 in turbulence. (We’ll put aside the fact that you should have your seat belt on.) That’s what it’s like putting at Augusta these days. And yet both Spieth and McIlroy roll long birdie putts—58 feet, in McIlroy’s case—up snug to the hole. Par putts for both. WINNER: PUSH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -2)

HOLE 6 (Juniper, 180 yards, par 3): Spieth is cooler than cool with the putter, rolling in a knee-wobbler of a seven-foot putt for par that keeps him three strokes ahead of McIlroy, who cannot afford even a single mistake at this point. WINNER: PUSH (Spieth -5, McIlroy -2)

Hole 7 (Pampas, 450 yards, par 4): The seventh green is faster than a Kardash … uhhh, than lightning, yeah, faster than lightning. Spieth blew his sand shot 40 feet passed the hole, his par putt seven feet by. McIlroy three putted from 23 feet. Both ended up with bogey, but Spieth left relieved it wasn’t a double, McIlroy ticked it wasn’t a birdie. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -4, McIlroy -1)

Hole 8 (Yellow Jasmine, 570 yards, par 5): Golf’s easy when you stick your approach four feet from the hole, not so much when you leave yourself 37 feet. Hence the birdie for Spieth, the par for McIlroy. The Dogfight in the Dogwoods is starting to slip away from The Big Mac Attack. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -5, McIlroy -1)

Hole 9 (Carolina Cherry, 460 yards, par 4): We interrupt this broadcast to remind everyone we have nothing to do with the names of these holes. If it were up to us, No. 9 would be Onward To The $ 4 Beer. In fact, let’s do it … we’re naming them from here on out.

Now back to the golf … had his birdie putt been a Carolina Cherry to the right, Spieth would be four strokes clear of the field. (Hideki Matsuyama has jumped up to minus-2). Par. Par. WINNER: Push (Spieth -5, McIlroy -1)

Hole 10 (Camelia, aka Rory’s Folly, 495 yards, par 4): Rory did it again (and we’d already named the hole), though not nearly as bad as in 2011 when he found a spot so far left on 10 Bernie Sanders was jealous. Twenty minutes later, after the customary Spieth waiting period, Rory bogeyed, Spieth parred and, well, J.P. Fitzgerald (Rory’s caddie) had to be thinking about throwing in the green towel. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -5, McIlroy EVEN)

Hole 11 (White Dogwood, aka No. 11, 505 yards, par 4): We were about to call it for Spieth after Rory went into the water, but then Spieth inexplicably three putted. Both ended up with a double bogey. WINNER: The Field (Spieth -3, McIlroy +2)

Meanwhile, Bernhard Langer is making a run up the leaderboard, and no that is not a typo. Langer, 58, is at 2-under and playing the 18th. He should be the clubhouse leader shortly.

Hole 12 (Golden Bell, aka Postage Stamp, 155 yards, par 3): Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. Spieth birdie. McIlroy missed a shorter birdie putt. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -4, McIlroy +2)

Hole 13 (Azalea, aka That Birdie Hole, 510 yards, par 5): That Birdie Hole? Not with the wind blowing today. Both laid up. Both parred. WINNER: Push (Spieth -4, McIlroy +2)

Hole 14 (Chinese Fir, aka Which One Is That?, 440 yards, par 4): Spieth read the green like Jeff Knox, throwing his pitch into the left of the pin and letting the green do the rest. Seven feet for birdie. Yeah, he drains those like a boss. Another par for Rory. Solid, but he needs birds. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -5, McIlroy +2)

Hole 15 (Firethorn, aka That Other Birdie Hole, 530 yard, par 5): Spieth dropped in a birdie (on a hole that wasn’t giving up many Saturday), while McIlroy parred. This one has long been over, so we’re officially calling it. WINNER: Spieth (Spieth -6, McIlroy +2)

Jordan Spieth, at 6-under through 15, is your winner.

Devil Ball Golf – Golf – Yahoo Sports